As I lay on the couch with my legs in stirrups I realise my grooming is some what lacking, I have shaven my ankles up to just below my calves (for appearances) and my bikini instead of being a Brazilian appears more Amazonian forest.
Having smear tests is part and parcel of being woman an uncomfortable but incredibly necessary procedure and contraceptive coil fittings are their more embarrassing cousin but again who likes/can be arsed with condoms? Not me! So as we want a couple of holidays it’s Coil time again after January/February’s pill induced rage failure it’s time to have a coil again.
Somehow I always end up at these appointments scrubbed to within an inch of my life but I seem to forget to tidy up or shave my legs. I’m sure the Dr couldn’t care less but I always feel embarrassed and judged particularly after being grilled by the Spanish Dr about the fact I’m still breastfeeding (see my last post) so much for European women being more likely to breastfeed longer as the norm!
So as I’m getting undressed I’ve also managed to wear a thong to this appointment FFS! Obviously after having my cervix opened I’m going to bleed a bit and I forgot I can’t wear tampons for 6 weeks so I don’t disturb my new coil.
The fitting is horrible laying in stirrups raised up high with a light being shined in your narns makes me feel like a slab of meat, whilst I try relax I’m being asked questions about the kids I assume in hope that they will distract about the fact I’m about to be penetrated by a massive plastic speculum and my cervix prised open. I’m then asked to take deep breathes, open and close my hands whilst I breathe and to relax! Whilst I’m eye rolling so hard I’m sure you can hear it I tell them about the kids and the fact my Son is called Cairo and yes I’ve visited Egypt and yes I do have big gap between my kids and again yes I’d like another but not with another big gap.
During this time the Dr is telling me what’s she’s doing which isn’t helping me relax, I can feel this weird pressure to the right of my womb then as I breathe in deeply I feel this weird pain/cramp and she tells me to relax and breathe deep as this next bit is a bit uncomfortable. Now I don’t know about you but my pain threshold is pathetic. I feel like I’m having contractions and it feels like she’s shoved some huge object inside me sideways.
Just like that she shoves some cut nylon strings at me so I know what they feel like, which as this is my 4/5th coil but hey I’ll go with it and then I’m told to take my legs down and she lowers the bed and I’m instructed to lie down and make sure I’m not feeling light headed. After a few minutes I sit up and start getting dressed and as I look at this massive pad and my tiny thong I want to cry.
As she tells me quite happily as I’m 35! I can have my Coil replaced at 40 then leave it in until I get my menopause, thanks love for the reminder I’m like well old! Any way I’m hoping to try for a baby in 18 months but I smile and nod whilst feeling light headed as she asks if I remembered to eat and take my painkillers I haven’t so I lie and nod my head.
So I’ve got a mammoth sanitary pad balanced on my thong I feel like I’m having the worst cramps in my life and like I’m going to puke but it’s over and I’m sorted for the next 18 months.
Being a woman is hard, these invasive procedures can save your life and save you a lot of mental health trauma in the long run and maybe next time I’ll remember to shave my legs and get a wax.